You used to think kindness was something you had to earn.

Maybe it was because people only seemed to notice you when you were useful; when you answered a question correctly in class, when you helped a friend with their homework, when you altered yourself to become meaningful to others. Even with the years worth of effort you exerted to be a kinder person to those around you, you learned quickly that it was not being reciprocated. Lesson learned: kindness was transactional. You had to be worth it to earn it.

With this newfound revelation, you became the person who never said no. You allowed people to use your notes from countless sleepless nights; you listened to problems at 2 AM, despite silently drowning in your own; you laughed at jokes at your expense because the hint of feeling included was worth its pain. You gave and you gave, accepting the mistreatment, believing that if you were good enough, selfless enough, and most importantly, kind enough, people would find value in you and stay.

But you needed kindness too, and no one was there.

You sat in an empty classroom, unmoved since everyone left, quiet and alone. The unread messages you sent hours ago glowed brightly from your phone screen, in contrast to the dark void of isolation that lingered someplace deep in your heart. Nothing. In that silence, something broke within. Kindness had always been something you gave away, yet you never thought it was something you deserved in return.

It took time to unlearn. To realize that kindness should not be treated as a currency. That you are not a sink people are entitled to drain. That the right people—the ones who truly care—will never make you feel like you have to prove you are worthy of compassion.

If I could talk to you now, I’d tell you this: kindness is not just about how you treat others, but also how you treat yourself. It is knowing when to say no, when to walk away from people who only take, and when to put yourself first.

Upon discovering that the importance of self-kindness is equal to kindness to others, not only did your environment change, but you embodied it through a new way of living. Over time, you started viewing life through a lens of gratitude. You learned to be kind to your physical body by providing it with sufficient fuel and self-care leaving you replenished every day. You stopped being harsh on yourself when things go wrong. To be kind to oneself is to nurture the vessel and the brain that provides you with life.

Exhibiting kindness to others is an important step to being a good person, however, it becomes meaningless when you cannot show it to yourself. The kindness you give to yourself is the kindness the world will learn to mirror; and you, of all people, deserve it the most. The rest of the world will follow—once you choose to be kind to yourself first.